tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20222442011-07-07T19:17:58.247-07:00HumorFor saving that priceless internet humorAlphonsenoreply@blogger.comBlogger411100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-80878216621885898232009-07-04T13:30:00.001-07:002009-07-04T13:33:39.620-07:00A rare email from sister Jean -- very LOLHow to Fail Tests with DignityAlphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-50565066442575375242008-08-20T07:13:00.000-07:002008-08-20T07:14:26.326-07:00Boy, that dog needs a haircut (my first post of original humor!)Frederick Fong was the last great detective. In the year 2556, bored with the state of crime -- Fong decided to go far into the future, and put himself into cold sleep.To his dismay, however, he found himself subject to the demands of various law enforcement officials over the centuries, who would wake him from cold sleep and put Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-92215714426108340082008-07-17T07:58:00.000-07:002008-07-17T08:05:34.621-07:00How to write goodHow to Write Good We don't know where this came from, but some is derived from William Safire's Rules for Writers. Always avoid alliteration. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid cliches like the plague—they're old hat. Employ the vernacular. Eschew Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-6259996005787952982008-04-09T13:13:00.000-07:002008-04-09T13:21:57.406-07:00From someone's collection of quotes"AFrom someone's collection of quotes"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand." - Anonymous“There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.” - Donald Rumsfeld"Is that Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-9473189297502750462007-10-24T19:15:00.000-07:002007-10-24T19:20:00.896-07:00Contributed by Nelson!Warning: Not politically correctWhat do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts Why is air aAlphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-28581608808769520702007-06-14T08:06:00.001-07:002007-06-14T11:39:40.461-07:00When Insults Had Class"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great Pleasure." - Clarence Darrow"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-47975492264167931462007-03-03T21:24:00.000-08:002007-03-03T21:25:47.451-08:00Some Religious Humor3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1146147274687621452006-04-27T07:13:00.000-07:002006-04-27T07:14:34.700-07:00More Washington Post neologisms (thanks, Paul)Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.The winners are:1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1144420688701579702006-04-07T07:37:00.000-07:002006-04-07T07:38:08.716-07:00From Draper - Jokes for Men Men strike back!How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened when she brings it.-------------------------------------------------------------------Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine Will probably never be able to support you.----------------------------------------Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1138056381730806662006-01-23T14:45:00.000-08:002006-01-23T14:46:21.740-08:00THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005 (Courtesy of Jay): Crack Found on Governor's Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1115817332091565842005-05-11T06:13:00.000-07:002005-05-11T06:15:32.106-07:00Words Women Use Forwarded by Aunt ShirleyWORDS WOMEN USE ****************************** FINE! This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. NOTHING This is the Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1104270429034581722004-12-28T13:45:00.000-08:002004-12-28T13:47:09.033-08:00How to acquire serenity (or, a really MERRY Christmas!)
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1096743762037257702004-10-02T13:00:00.000-07:002004-10-02T12:02:42.036-07:00Ghost illusion!
http://www.ripperd.com/ftp/admins/whatswrong.swf
It's a kind of optical illusion, very mystical. You have to _stare_ at the screen, for maybe a full minute, before you can see the ghost. It's kind of scary, how one second you can't see it, then you can. Very cool. You have to really concentrate, though, for it to work. Give it at least 60 seconds, for the image of the ghost to Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1079312825891044392004-03-14T17:07:00.000-08:002004-03-14T17:09:26.483-08:00From Jay Pingree
Neologisims
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1072926581921781822003-12-31T19:09:00.000-08:002003-12-31T19:10:48.686-08:00From Chris McKinney (nee Nelson)
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in
which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for
various words.
The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1066004668193330132003-10-12T17:24:00.000-07:002003-10-12T17:24:28.000-07:00Not humor but amusing facts
Think You Know Everything? Think Again!
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-1066004015346545442003-10-12T17:13:00.000-07:002003-10-12T17:27:04.183-07:00Modern Numenorean, courtesy of John O'Brien
I am the very model of a modern Numenorean;
My voice is clear and ringing and its volume is stentorian,.
I'm Estel and I'm Aragorn, and Elessar and Strider, too
I've hunted orcs and trolls and wargs, and sometimes a Black Rider, too.
I'm pretty good at fighting and you'll find me where the dangers are;
I'm fearless and invincible, as all the other Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-919254112003-04-03T09:38:00.000-08:002003-04-03T09:38:32.233-08:00If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
Sung to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it"
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dished us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-898428402003-02-27T07:51:00.000-08:002003-02-27T07:51:28.186-08:00Not funny, mostly, but fun facts nonetheless
Louis XIV took three baths in his lifetime, and none of them voluntarily.
Tongue prints are as unique as finger prints.
We die more quickly from lack of sleep than from lack of food.
A zebra has white stripes, not black ones.
Your mouth produces 2-3 pints of saliva a day.
It is possible to mix oil and water. All you have to do is to add a little Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-886450262003-02-06T04:59:00.000-08:002003-02-06T04:59:12.540-08:00Am I sick, to find this so funny?
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important
person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man
who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in......and Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-810873062002-09-03T06:02:00.000-07:002002-09-03T06:02:46.513-07:00From Jay - English is a crazy language
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-780279642002-06-21T08:29:00.000-07:002002-08-25T18:08:47.000-07:00Sent from Sylvia 6/23/2001
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships.
Sharon Stone
------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what shes reading.
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-760607532002-05-01T18:10:00.000-07:002002-05-01T18:10:41.436-07:00Zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin Goncang wins "Worst Job in Singapore".
Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo,has set up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species.
The thankless task of collecting the sperm falls to Mr. Binatang's, starting his rounds at 4 a.m. "We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have 'Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-89637182002-01-23T03:16:00.000-08:002002-01-23T03:16:00.096-08:00From the Gilbert and Sullivan parody archive
http://www.lightjunkie.org/parody/index.html
I Am The Very Finest Kind of Information Scientist
(or, An Ugly Trend In Library Studies)
Deb DeGeorge, Jennifer Kush, Eva Miller
I am the very finest kind of information scientist,
I'm skilled at metadata, metatools, and met'analysis,
I've access electronic to all facts however useless,
I've databases onAlphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-72385102001-11-19T07:32:00.000-08:002001-11-19T07:32:17.386-08:00The winner in a "wildest Xmas" competition
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-71717992001-11-16T07:37:00.000-08:002001-11-16T07:37:30.806-08:00New words (from realrates)
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-60371792001-10-01T11:24:00.000-07:002001-10-01T11:24:10.663-07:00How do we prevent future instances of hijackers taking over a plane and directing it to crash on some target?
By Hoyt Nelson, 09/14/2001
What if every passenger had an official airline knife available? The two or
three terrorists pop up with their weapons, and the other 56 passengers
attack them.
Or equip every seat with guns that shoot rubber bullets, so they cannot blow
out windows? Or Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-60370302001-10-01T11:14:00.000-07:002001-10-01T11:14:52.913-07:00My own inventions for WTC/Pentagon terms
I'm annoyed by the media's failure to create efficient short-hands for "the terrorists who perpetrated the events of Sept. 11" and related entities. We need briefer terms, the equivalent of "WaterGate" or "Rozwell."
So here are some nominations:
1) Hamaslems (pronounced Ha-Maz'-lems)
Hamas + Moslems: The fanatical subset if Islamists willing to die as Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-59633092001-09-27T17:30:00.000-07:002001-09-27T17:31:16.000-07:00From the Onion, re the 19 hijackers
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS-The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.
"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-50156042001-08-10T07:09:00.000-07:002001-08-10T07:09:06.330-07:00From seethelight.net - Weird but true Factoids
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and
swim to shore --where a tree blew over and killed him.
* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers
of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a
Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-49422582001-08-06T13:16:00.000-07:002001-08-06T13:16:48.080-07:00Monty Python's Spam Routine
The following has linked to an audio blat of "spam" -- http://www.cs.berkeley.edu/~ddgarcia/spam.html#MontyPython
Monty Python's Spam sketch
Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned
helmets on. A man and his wife enter.
Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.
Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.
Man (to Waitress): MorningAlphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-41515272001-06-19T21:06:00.000-07:002001-06-19T21:06:25.683-07:00Someone's "tag" on the realrates BBS
"You think you are some sort of Jedi waving your hand around like that? I'm a contractor. Jedi tricks don't work on me. ONLY MONEY! No money, no work, no contract!"
Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-39783302001-06-08T04:31:00.000-07:002001-06-08T04:31:01.340-07:00DSL
Dubya as a Second Language
1. Vocabulary
=============
Barriffs : barriers
Cuff Links : handcuffs
Grecians : Greeks
Inebriating : enthralling
Obscufate : obfuscate
Pillared : pilloried
Preservation : perseverance
Presumptive : presumptuous
Slovokian : Slovenian
Subscribe : ascribe
Subsidation : Subsidization
Tacular weapons: tactical weapons
Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-32660992001-04-18T17:48:00.000-07:002001-04-18T17:52:09.626-07:00How to Write Good
MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If I could not earn a penny from my writing, I would earn my livelihood at something else and continue to write at night." - Irving Wallace
"Financial success is not the only reward of good writing. It brings to the writer rich inner satisfaction as well." - Eliot Foster, Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-32660842001-04-18T17:47:00.000-07:002001-04-18T17:50:41.313-07:00HOW TO WRITE GOOD by Frank L. Visco --------------------------------------------------------------------------------My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules: Avoid alliteration. Always. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) Employ the vernacular. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. Parenthetical remarks (Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-32659962001-04-18T17:40:00.000-07:002001-04-18T17:43:17.996-07:00Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? If you spin an Oriental person around several times, does he become disoriented? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-30883692001-04-06T02:58:00.000-07:002001-04-06T02:59:04.976-07:00From realrates discussion:All Gork to do all day is whomp mammoth. Go 'THUNK!' with club. Gork study long and hard at night. Burn midnight blubber. Now Gork know how to whomp mammoth using new delivery system, go 'BIFF!' with rock instead. 'BIFF!' not only have good reusability (rock not break like club), but 'BIFF!' come with garbage collection monkey built in. Maybe you think 'big deal'. Huh, Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-22164332001-02-02T06:29:00.000-08:002001-02-02T06:33:28.610-08:00Another cheap shot at ex-Pres ClintonBack when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.” Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three empty beer cans and $844 in cash. When she asked Bill aboutAlphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-21897792001-01-31T03:33:00.000-08:002001-01-31T03:35:56.676-08:00A bit of conceit.I couldn't believe this when I saw it on "Friends". Someone posted the script to the web, and Google found it![Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering] JOEY: Hey. MONICA: Hey. JOEY: Where you going? MONICA: To the bank. JOEY: Sperm or regular? MONICA: Sperm. JOEY: So you're really doing this, huh? MONICA: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135. JOEY: Sounds nice. MONICA: 'Fraid so. Alphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-21897662001-01-31T03:29:00.000-08:002001-01-31T03:30:53.980-08:00 Demonstrating how some words don't have opposites! How I met my wife by Jack Winter Published 25 July 1994 in the New Yorker It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate. I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state ofAlphonsenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2022244.post-20222632001-01-18T08:12:00.000-08:002007-06-14T11:43:43.747-07:00High School is to Analogies Like...These are the winners of the “worst analogies ever written in a highschool essay” contest run by the Washington Post: (permission pending) 1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country Alphonsenoreply@blogger.com